How to Cultivate a Strong-Willed Child

Isn't Wilfulness a Bad Thing?

Most parents want to know how to manage a strong-willed child. And by "manage" I mean find a way to rein the wilfulness in. A strong will translates to resistance, tantrums, and defiance. With parents over-worked, over-stressed, and over-tired, resistance is the last thing they need. Ask any parent one thing they wish to make life easier and you will no doubt find compliance at the top of that list. Parents constantly find themselves saying to their kids, "Why can't you just listen to me?". Or, "This would be so much easier and faster if you listened to me." Compliance--it is not something that strong-willed children gravitate towards.

So why, then, am I suggesting we cultivate a strong will in our children? Well, the same parents who put compliance at the top of their lists would almost certainly want their children to grow up strong-willed. Why the inconsistency then? Why is willfulness viewed negatively when our children are young yet positively when they are older?

Children Direct Their Strong Wills at Their Parents

The answer is because when children are young, they direct their strong wills at us, their parents. Kids practice everything at home. Home is their testing ground. Home is comfortable and safe, and mom and dad supposed to love them unconditionally. So what better place to push the boundaries and practice life skills than at home? The flip side is parents have to endure the growing pains. It is exhausting to be the constant recipient of a child's resistance and defiance. In our minds, we have lived longer and we know better. It is beyond frustrating to see our kids fumble through life when we could do it so much better.

But you see, their lives are not ours to live. Growing up is messy, awkward, and imperfect. Child-rearing is inconvenient, hard, and maddening. Yet this is the conundrum parents face. A happy parent makes for a happy kid, right? How am I to be happy when my child defies me and refuses to listen to my wisdom? How can I enjoy parenting when I am engaged in daily power struggles with my children? If my kids listened, life would go smoother and we would all be happier. What is the trick to getting kids to comply?

A Child's Purpose

There is no trick. Once you accept that your children do not exist to make your life easy and convenient, you will experience parenting in a vastly different way. In other words, it is not their job to not inconvenience you. It is not their purpose to make parenting an enjoyable experience for you. They do not exist to make you happy. Yes, children bring joy to our lives but accept now that is not their sole or primary purpose.

Short-Term Struggle, Long-Term Gain

How does this relate back to cultivating a strong will? If we want strong-willed adult children, we must embrace and cultivate strong-willed children. There is no way around it. There is no shortcut. We cannot wish for strong-willed adult children when it suits us yet stifle strong-willed children because it inconveniences us. We cannot have it both ways. We must be willing to let our children resist and defy us. We must be willing to be their guinea pigs. Someday, they will turn that resistance and assertiveness on to the rest of the world. And because you were willing to be their practice ground, you will have shown them how to use it responsibly. The hard work of parenting must be done early to reap the benefits later.