How to Stop Being an Angry Parent

Anger is a common parenting emotion. When our kids refuse to listen or act defiant, our buttons get pushed and we feel anger. When our children do or say things that are disrespectful or hurtful, it is hard not to take personally. Bouts of anger and frustration are inevitable and completely normal.

Persistent anger, however, can be a problem. The main differences between normal anger and problematic anger are frequency and unpredictability. If you find yourself angry and on edge around your children on a consistent basis, that can wear you down. If you are unable to predict when you might suddenly lose your cool, the uncertainty and inconsistency can be maddening. Anger is a curious emotion. It is a feeling usually reserved for people and things we strongly dislike or disapprove of. It can be confusing and disconcerting to feel anger towards the people we love and cherish the most. However, persistent anger and even rage is a common experience for parents. You should not feel ashamed or alone.

Are You an Angry Parent?

Angry parents often wonder why they are so angry. Persistent anger is difficult to understand. It is the kind that lingers and adds an edge to every interaction. The tension it causes is palpable and anything could set it off. Persistent anger is uncontrollable, and feeling out of control is deeply uncomfortable and scary. If we understand the cause, we can effectively address it.

The root of all anger is fear. Anger is a symptom of fear. Every day, life presents us with situations that trigger our fears. Throw kids into the mix and suddenly fear is ever-present. We become used to its presence and barely notice when it’s around. We rationalize the fear by telling ourselves that without it, we would become permissive and neglectful. “If I don’t correct this behavior now, he will never learn.” “If I don’t scold her now, the other parents will think I am irresponsible and neglectful.” “If I don’t teach her now, I might never get the opportunity to teach this lesson again.” Thoughts like these could go on ad infinitum and apply to every parenting scenario. This is fear-based parenting.

If you are tired of the bubbling, hot anger, guilt, and helplessness, there is another way. There is a way to parent that is reliably more joyful, gentle, and peaceful. The solution is not in getting your children to comply, to go with the program, or to upset you less. The solution is in accepting things exactly as they are.

Shouting Won’t Make You Feel Better

When we feel hot with anger, the urge to release that anger is irresistible. When the anger is directed towards our children, as opposed to another adult, we are more susceptible to shouting. This is because there is a power imbalance that exists between parents and children. Parents feel empowered and often entitled to express displeasure with their children. Kids do not have the vocabulary and maturity to fight back on equal footing. We tend to discount children’s reasoning, logic, and intelligence in moments of stress. When parents shout at their kids, there is no consequence. Children are unable to hold their parents accountable in the same way another adult might in a verbal altercation. Parents do not mean to exploit this power imbalance. It mostly happens unconsciously. However, recognizing the power imbalance is a meaningful step towards managing persistent anger.

No matter how cathartic it might feel at the moment, shouting at your children will never make you feel better. You might think you are teaching them something by making a point. You might even recall a few examples of when you shouted and it actually worked. By work, perhaps your kids went from screaming, fighting, and not listening to suddenly silent and obedient. Or maybe your willful, defiant child crumpled into a ball of tears. Either way, you made an impression.

See that’s the thing about parenting—we expect to always be at our best, yet the realities of life often bring us to act our worst. We so often feel unheard when our kids don’t listen to us, which in turn makes us feel disrespected. In the heat of the moment, we will do anything to be heard, even if it is reactive and petty. When we shout, we have an effect. That effect may hurt and shame our children, but at least we were heard. That we stoop down to shouting to pacify a bruised ago is difficult and uncomfortable for many parents to accept. But doing so is the only way to change for the better.

The next time you feel anger start to build, try to remember that shouting never works, even when it seems like it does. Once you accept that shouting is not an option, you can move towards finding alternatives to resolving anger. If shouting is always on the table, you will use it. When you use it, you reinforce the anger. Shouting allows you to release just enough tension and pressure for it to become a crutch. Refuse the crutch. Feeling angry will rarely affect the bond between you and your child, but acting on it will.

“Fixing” Your Kids Won’t Solve Your Problems

Parents always tell themselves the “if only” story. The story goes like this: “If only my kid…” followed by any number of issues that cause parents to feel angry and discontent. If only she listened more, wasn’t so anxious, did her homework, didn’t fight with her brother, wasn’t so sad, was more responsible, and so on, and so forth.

From the minute babies exit the womb, parents are trying to figure out the next hack to make parenting easier, myself included. How do I get my baby to sleep eight hours straight? How do I get my toddler to potty train? How do I get my child to listen? How do I get my teenager to care more about school? A majority of parent self-help centers on improving the child, not the parent.

Tips and tricks are helpful, but they won’t solve persistent anger. I want you to let go of the mentality that kids need fixing right now. Ditch it for good. Children need guidance, but they don’t need fixing. Do not make your inner peace conditional on how well your child is acting or feeling. There will always be an issue to solve. Anger is rooted in fear—that our fears will be realized, that our expectations will not be met, or that we are losing control. Let go of fear, and your anger will follow. Releasing fear will give you the clarity necessary to see your child as an intelligent, independent human being whose growth you must respect and not control.

Ditch the Distractions

Put your phone away, turn off the TV, and close your laptop. Kids are experts at living in the moment and tend to have very little respect for schedules, errands, responsibilities, and other adult things. And what a wonderful thing that is. Instead of feeling aggravated because we have a million things to do and our kids get in the way, we should take a page from their playbook and just stop. Stop and listen. Stop and observe. Stop and play. If there is no text to respond to, no email to read, no laundry to fold, then we can just be with our children and invite them to get in the way. We will feel delighted in this interruption rather than irritation. And of course, there is always a text waiting to be sent, emails to be opened, laundry to be washed, and meals to be cooked! But those things do not have to take up space in your mind at all times. Learn to shut it off. Because when you have no agenda, your mind will be open and will take in the experience as it comes.

Detach from the Outcomes

Refuse to control your child. Let your child unfold in his own way, at his own pace. With the exception of his health and safety and the safety of others, let everything else go. Have the courage to even let the tantrums, the attitude, and the sullenness go most of the time. This is scary, I know, but not every moment needs to be a teaching moment.

It has always been my impression that parents are much more self-conscious and concerned about being too permissive than too authoritarian. There is something about having and raising children that makes us believe they are ours to shape, control, and mold. It is true that children need boundaries and clear expectations, but where parents always get tripped us is in the outcomes. Parents become attached to outcomes. With attachment comes fear. Parents are responsible for planting seeds, but can neither control nor be responsible for who our children ultimately become. This is a very challenging concept for parents to accept. And yet, it is the truth that parents must accept to vanquish anger.

Let Fear Move Through You

Once you decide to let go of fear, you might think you’re in the clear. But letting go doesn’t mean you won't feel fear again. Fear will always be present. The change is in not letting fear control you. Inevitably you will encounter situations that trigger your fear, and consequently, your anger. So you either let fear come or you avoid it. Avoiding fear might work for a while as it gives you the illusion of exercising control. But designing your life and making choices to avoid fears only further shackles you to them.

The only other option is to let fear come. But to make sure fear does not lead to anger, you have to be prepared with what to do when you get triggered. The answer is to let fear come, acknowledge it, then let it move through you. Feel the fear, the disappointment, the sadness, or whatever discomfort comes your way. Resist the urge to react and simply observe. This is similar to the anger management technique of counting to ten, but instead of focusing on the count, you focus on the fear. Facing doesn’t mean overcoming. You really need to do nothing with the fear other than seeing it, feeling it, and letting it pass through you. By letting fear move through you, you acknowledge it but you don’t empower it.

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