3 Ways to Stop Parenting out of Fear

What is Fear-Based Parenting?

Parenting requires us to make a thousand micro-decisions a day. I am not talking about majorish life decisions like private vs. public school, which nanny to hire, or whether to add another baby to the mix. Decisions like these are usually made after adequate reflection and a careful, deliberate weighing of the pros and cons. I am talking about the tiny, seemingly inconsequential decisions parents have to make on a daily basis. Every hour, minute, and second of the day, us parents are called upon to make split-second decisions on how to react to our children: what to say, what not to say, how to teach, what to teach, what not to teach, whether to discipline, whether to let it go, whether to pay attention, how to pay attention, what to worry about, what not to worry about, and countless other decisions that, cumulatively, significantly impact how we ultimately relate to and raise our children. In other words, how we treat and interact with our children daily, on the little things, tend to make the most memorable and lasting impressions on their upbringing.

I do not say this to add pressure to parents who are already stressed, anxious, and working nonstop to give their children the best childhood experiences they could provide. However, in order to become fully present in and content with the parenting experience, the starting point must always be honesty. And the truth is, what influences the bond and relationship we develop with our children the most is how we approach the small and mundane tasks of child-rearing: feeding, bathing, sleeping, nurturing, responding, disciplining, teaching, setting limits. Parenting is hard because the need for our attention and care is constant. But the heart and the true reward of raising children are in these tiny moments.

Now, back to the micro-decisions. Because these micro-decisions have to be made constantly and instantaneously, there is little to no time for reflection. You might even say most of these micro-decisions are made based on instinct and the core values that are unique to each one of us. Now, imagine that underlying your core values is fear. I am not referring to horror movie fear or fear of public speaking; I am talking about the type of fear that slowly erodes our self-confidence, inner peace, and sense of well-being because we are fearful of what might be or what could be if we do not act now. It is the kind of fear that is so deeply engrained internally in our psyche and externally in society that we are not even aware of its influence. It is the fear that if we do not get every parenting decision just right, the consequences will be disastrous twenty-something years later. This is fear-based parenting.

Fear-based parenting is what causes a nagging, persistent dissatisfaction with the parenting experience. It causes parents to feel out of control, overwhelmed, in over their heads, chronically exhausted, and inexplicably uncomfortable with the process of raising children. Do you ever wonder why some parents seem so comfortable and at peace with their children, even in the face of misbehavior, defiance, or undue risk? Why they seem so confident in their parenting decisions, not in an authoritarian way, but in a firm yet mutually respectful way? It is not that these parents never experience self-doubt or fear; the difference is that they acknowledge and accept it.

The last point before we dive into the three ways to overcome fear-based parenting. The reason why I differentiate between day-to-day micro-decisions and major life event decisions is that when you have the opportunity to analyze and contemplate as you do with big decisions, you might be more apt to recognize when fear is unduly influencing you. It is much more challenging to recognize fear's influence at the moment when we are operating on instinct and habit. And since 90% of parenting is in these micro-moments, this article will focus on how to overcome fear in those situations. But of course, the same principles could equally apply to major parenting choices.

Are you Parenting Out of Fear?

You may not regard yourself as someone that parents out of fear. Likely because some amount of fear as it concerns our children is natural and healthy. Without it, we might become neglectful and take unnecessary risks with our children. Or you might equate a lack of fear and concern for them as permissive and lacking in any structure or clear standards for appropriate behavior. We love our children and, of course, are protective over them. Some of this overprotectiveness is instinct. That instinct is at its strongest in the first few months of an infant's life when she is most vulnerable and most in need of our care and attention. The intensity of this instinct subsides over time, but without even realizing it, the feeling may evolve into something more subtle but still ever-present.

It is challenging at first to identify exactly what the feeling is and where it is coming from. The feeling manifests itself in irritability when our children do not comply; in bubbling anger when our children defy or disrespect us; in nagging worry and anxiety when we permit some independence or engage in a reasonably risky activity. This feeling is very apparent and manifests itself in panic and intense discomfort when our children experience failure or rejection.

Underlying all of these feelings is fear. Fear adds an edge to every parenting experience. Have you ever felt like you reacted disproportionately to a parenting situation after the fact? That your level of anger, irritation, or panic was not really in line with the nature of your child's misbehavior or injury? Do you feel like this disproportionate reaction can come out of nowhere, and that you really have no control over it? That you can't anticipate when it might or might not happen? And does the unpredictability cause additional anxiety because a disproportionate response usually leaves you feeling guilty and disconnected from your kids? This is fear at work. It is subtle, lives in the subconscious, and is oh so powerful.

Mindful Parenting is the Answer

We do not have to parent with fear. There is another way that frees us from fear's grip. Parenting, like everything else in life, will always have hardships. Quick fixes, tips, cheats, and hacks will not address this type of parenting issue. The goal here, as it relates to fear-based parenting specifically, is to not solve, anticipate, or fix every problem and situation. The way to successfully achieve a cool head, to curb the short-tempered, exhausted, unpredictable angry monster that surfaces whenever we feel fear, is to be as present as we possibly can in the parenting experience. Here are three, concrete steps to take today towards that end.

1. Be in the Moment

When you are with your children, be with your children. Clear your mind of every errand, chore, worry, and task. When you play with your child, play. When you are bathing your child, bathe. When you are preparing a meal for your child, prepare the meal. Be so present that even the act of pouring the milk, boiling the egg, and arranging food in the lunch box garners your full attention. To do this is extremely difficult and may seem unnecessary. But mindfulness takes practice and, sometimes, we have to go to these extremes to become truly present.

Being busy, multi-tasking, looking forward to happy hour, and vacations at the beach are normal, expected, and highly valued in modern society. It is a badge of honor to be busy. If you're not busy, you're not living; you're not maximizing your time; you're not ambitious enough. We ask each other constantly about our plans: winter break, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day, Easter, summer vacation, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas. It is fun but it is also endless. It causes many of us to live in a "What is coming up next?" state. It encourages consumerism. And while this article is not about consumerism, it is a piece of why we find it extremely challenging to just be present. Our kids do not want or need toys as much as we think. They do not need dance lessons, soccer practice, math tutors, and gymnastics as much as we think. Do those things with your children! I am not suggesting otherwise. But as soon as these things, activities, and plans become a distraction; as soon as they become an escape from anxiety, hardship, fear; as soon as they interfere with our ability to accept the present exactly as it is, that is when we must stop, reevaluate, and go to extreme measures to practice mindfulness every day in every moment.

Try the following the next time you want to practice mindfulness: say in your mind what you are doing as you you are doing it. I am playing pretend with my daughter; I am chopping on onion; I am washing my hair; I am watching my son play the piano; I am reading a book to my baby; I am detangling my daughter's hair; I am folding my family's clothes. Be exactly where you are. By doing so, fear will move from the forefront of your consciousness and fade into the background, becoming smaller and smaller, slowly releasing its influence over you. By being present, you strip away fear's power and influence and accept things exactly as they are. And once you quiet your mind, you realize how okay you really are.

2. Let Go of How Things Should Be

Life is impermanent and unpredictable. There is nothing scarier to us than the unknown. As such, we seek to create order and predictability in our lives to feel more in control. But when we become too attached to our expectations of how things should be, we suffer. Almost certainly, life will not turn out how we expected and this causes us pain. Our survival instinct directs us to avoid pain as much as possible. Rather than surrender to the inevitability of change, we try to force things and people to fit within and meet our expectations. We do this to our children. Not on purpose, but we do it. We read books, seek the advice of friends, surf blogs to educate ourselves on the surefire way to ensure our children's happiness and success. In doing so, we convince ourselves that armed with enough knowledge, we can mold our children to become the people we wish them to be.

Wishing happiness and success for our children is not wrong. But this wish could easily spiral into the fear that if our children fail to achieve this ideal, who then have they become? Or even scarier, what does that say about us? We daydream, imagine, and idealize a vision of who are children will become, and by extension who we are within that vision. We end up defining ourselves not by who we are right now, in the present, but by who we are in the future. Will we be the proud parents of the valedictorian? Will we be the parents of a division one college athlete? Will we be the parents of a law student? Will we be the parents of a beautiful bride dressed in white? Will we be doting grandparents hosting family Christmas every year?

Do you see how easily our children's plans and futures shape our own visions of ourselves? We cling on to this vision because it is comfortable, enjoyable, and predictable. Without the vision, who do we become? Imagining and deciding who you want to be in the future is much easier than analyzing and understanding who you are right now. Because the future lives in your mind, and in your mind, any future is possible.

Stop clinging and let go. Prepare for the future, but release any attachment to those expectations. Hope for the vision, but accept first that the vision may not happen. Instead, life will unfold as it is meant to. The events, things, and people, including and perhaps most importantly your children, will also unfold as they are meant to. When you see your children grow, unfold, and evolve in ways that don't fit your vision, and you feel fear creep up within you as you see your vision move further away from you and begin to blur, don't hold on tighter. Rather, see it as a sign to loosen your grip even more. Bring yourself back into the present, accept reality as it is happening at the moment, and just be. Don't fight the current. Swim with it. And life, in all its messiness and glory, will open up. And you will be a much happier parent and person for it.

Balance is Key

Overcoming fear-based parenting comes down to balance. It is important to balance a desire and thirst for something better with an acceptance of what is in the present moment. Without fear, concern, and worry, parents would fail miserably at nurturing their children. Fear-based parenting is when concern and worry go too far and an imbalance is created. Authoritative parenting, which is the parenting style that experts consistently agree produce the best outcomes in children, is the balance between high standards of behavior and acceptance of children as capable, intelligent, competent beings. As such, learning as much as you can about the authoritative parenting style can help you greatly in your efforts to overcome fear-based parenting. I highly recommend and respect Janet Lansbury and her approach to authoritative parenting.

Focus on controlling what you can and then letting the rest go. Make it clear to your children how you expect them to behave, teach them the consequences of not doing so, and then see what happens next. Don't spiral into the fear that they'll fail out of high school, grow up to be a bully, never pursue a medical career, won't make friends, or won't ever give you grandchildren. Do not attach your vision for yourself to their lives. The sooner you start living in the present, the more effectively you will come to understand and appreciate who you are, right now. And then you can take steps within your control to shape, improve, or change who you are if that is what you want. But don't live in the future. Don't live in or through your children's future. Fear lives in the future. Live in the present.