Is "Crap" a Bad Word And Do Swear Words Matter?
- Jennie Roe
- May 25, 2020
- 5 min read
Updated: Jul 20, 2020
Kids and bad words--it is like dangling honey in front of a bear. Profanity is so fascinating, new, fun, and frankly, naughty, that kids find it irresistible. Parents understandably worry about the inappropriate things that come out of their kids' mouths: Is "shut up" a bad word? Is "poop" a bad word? Is "stupid" a bad word? Is "hell" a bad word? Heck, is "heck" a bad word? What are considered swear words anyway? The question is what is the root of our worry? Is it that we worry our child will grow up to be a potty mouth with an inability to read the room and drop f-bombs at the most inopportune times? Or is it something else deep within ourselves and our insecurities as parents that really have nothing to do do, at least directly, with our child?
Let's dive into this a bit, shall we? Imagine the following scenario.
It is a warm Friday evening, you are walking downtown with your seven year-old son on your way to meet the rest of the family at your favorite French bistro. The restaurants are full of people dining outside, enjoying the fresh air and warm breeze after a long work week. All of a sudden, your seven year-old trips on his untied shoelace (you were done reminding him after the third time) and yells out, "Crap!" The first thing you notice is the outdoor diners suddenly look up from their entrees and wine, stare at your son, make eye contact with you, and wonder silently what crappy thing just interrupted their relaxing date night. It does not matter that the eye contact lasted all but .896 seconds; the feeling of embarrassment is seared into your brain because that look was a look of judgment that your seven year-old just used a bad word. Right?
Why We Worry When Kids Say Bad Words
Kids say the darndest things, or so the saying goes. What comes out of children's mouths is usually unpredictable, sometimes shocking, and downright puzzling. Our reaction is, "Where did they learn that from?" When kids say things that embarrass us or that fall short of our behavioral expectations, a flood of fears and emotions rush in: Is my kid swearing already? Is my kid growing up to be rude? Did I raise a potty mouth? Are these gateway words to *gulp* true profanity? The doubts are never ending.
And this makes perfect sense. What our children say is a window into their minds. Toddlers, kids, and even teenagers are usually pretty bad at telling us what they are thinking and how they feel. Even though this is largely attributed to the fact that their modes and manners of expression are unpracticed and underdeveloped, we parents still worry that we are raising disrespectful little humans when "bad" or "naughty" words and phrases are uttered. Here are a few things to consider the next time your child takes liberties with his language.
Kids Don't Swear As Much as You Think
First, some perspective. The "bad" things your kids say probably constitute just 1% of what comes out of their mouths. Because we expect our kids to behave and speak politely, we do not take notice when they do. Instead, we tend to notice and remember the misbehaviors more. Keeping perspective helps you keep a cool head. Perspective helps you realize that this "problem" is not a problem at all, or at very least, not a big problem. Some psychologists believe swearing can yield positive outcomes and is not necessarily problematic. Try focusing on and verbally acknowledging when your child says or does something good; it will make the occasional "holy crap" or "shut up" sting less.
Helpful Tips When Your Child Says A Bad Word
1. Try Not Punishing Your Child When She Says a Bad World
And then see what happens. Children are drawn to foul language because it is taboo. Part of their developmental growth is to see how far they can push boundaries and still be safe, This is how kids learn. And kids know all too well that using bad words, foul language, and profanity pushes parents' buttons. Our child swearing in public is one of the most embarrassing things a parent can experience. Cussing at school and being sent to the principal's office is one of the quintessential examples of misconduct and discipline, depicted in countless books, movies, and television shows. That is because so many parents--all parents--can relate. As such, try to ignore and see what happens. Try not let your feathers get ruffled. Maybe soon the novelty of being a potty mouth will wear off. Keep your cool and your kid won't find saying the word "poop" as fun because mommy and daddy are fine. with. it.
2. Use this Phrase: "There are Better Ways to Say Things"
I love this phrase. When my kids call something "stupid" or tell each other to "shut up", rather than tell them those are "bad" words they should not use, I tell them those words are not very descriptive and they could use better words to describe how they feel. I accomplish two things by doing this:
I do not pass judgment on their choice of words. All kids, ourselves included, went through a "swearing phase". It is a rite of passage of sorts and any parent who thinks they can prevent their children from experimenting with profanity will be sorely disappointed.
I am challenging them to expand their vocabulary. I am sending the message that it is acceptable to form a negative opinion of someone or something. After all, I am trying to raise kids who are capable of forming and asserting their own opinions. But they can find and use a more descriptive word than "stupid" or "dumb". They will not be winning any debates by calling an argument "stupid". I am teaching them that they could do better.
The Cool Head Parent Takeaway
Trust your gut. Friday night French bistro mom lost her cool because of the outdoor diners' reaction to her, not because of her son's use of the word "crap". Imagine if the outdoor diners never looked up and continued with their dinner without interruption. Would she have felt as embarrassed? Even Friday night French bistro mom's perception of their reaction is subject to challenge. Maybe she felt exposed and insecure and believed the outdoor diners were judging her, when in reality, the outdoor diners couldn't care less.
The Cool Head Parent way is rooted in self-assuredness and the ability to separate when other peoples' opinions matter and when they don't. Ask yourself first--Is "shut up" a bad word?; Is "fart" a bad word?; Is "fricking" a bad word?; Is "crap" a bad word? If your gut says "no", then you have your answer. However, that does not mean you have to be okay with letting your kids use these words unfettered. Keeping a cool head also means setting boundaries and clear expectations for behavior. Just don't let other people's judgments or reactions make you lose your cool. Give it a try and let us know how it goes in the comments.
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