The Meaning of Child Rearing

The Three Main Types of Parenting Defined

Child-rearing is another term for parenting style. Child-rearing is defined by the way in which we, as parents, approach how we raise our children. This approach is influenced by a variety of factors--our culture, our education, our socioeconomic status, our community, our careers, and probably most importantly, our own childhood. Sorting out how how to raise our children the "best" or "right" way is a righteous and worthwhile endeavor, but it is also a source of anxiety and worry for many parents. Most experts agree that there are four main parenting styles (first described by Dr. Diana Baumrind): authoritarian, permissive, authoritative, and neglectful. Most people fall into the first three categories. If you are on this site, there is an extremely low probability you fall into the neglectful parenting style--characterized by a complete lack of involvement and nurturing towards your child--so we will not touch on that particular style for this post. As you read about the three main styles of parenting, remember that what works for someone else may or may not work from you, and that is okay. Parenting is more art than science.

Authoritarian Parenting Style

The authoritarian parenting style is the most controlling of the three styles. Authoritarian parents expect obedience and strict adherence to rules, and therefore, have high expectations of their children. At the same time, authoritarian parents are not very responsive to their children's needs for warmth, nurturing, and affection, providing little to no explanation for the punishments they dole out. They are absolute in their need for control over their children, believing it is the only way to make sure their children live up to their expectations and standards. Authoritarian parents have little tolerance and patience for their children's misbehavior and mistakes. This parenting style, therefore, gives children few choices or options, thus sending the message that they do not trust their children to make good choices. The children of authoritarian parents have little freedom for self expression and exploration. When their kids push back or offer alternative approaches or solutions to common problems, authoritarian parents are typically unwilling to negotiate. Shame is often utilized to get children to comply and obey.

Authoritarian Parent Main Characteristics

Controlling
Expects obedience
High expectations
Low responsiveness
Unwilling to negotiate or compromise
Utilizes punishment without providing an explanation or reason for the punishment

Permissive Parenting Style

The permissive parenting style is the least controlling of the three styles. Permissive parents can be quite attentive and loving, but expect and demand very little from their children. These types of parents tend to have few rules, guidelines, and expectations in their child rearing practices. The permissive parenting style is the exact opposite of "helicopter parenting." Rather than hovering over their children's every move, permissive parents are characteristically lax and provide little to no structure for their children's day to day, school life, academic preparation, extracurricular activities, social life, and home life. It is the general consensus of most experts that children benefit greatly from structure and that, in fact, children want and seek out structure to provide a sense of stability and security in their day to day. A permissive parent dislikes confrontation and conflict and may shy away from having to enforce rules and standards of behavior for fear that their children might reject them. These types of parents rarely attempt to control or discipline their children, and therefore, lack clear standards for mature and appropriate behavior.

Permissive Parent Main Characteristics

Provide little to no structure
Unclear or no standards of behavior
Emphasis on freedom over responsibility
Inconsistent discipline
Fail to educate children the consequences of inappropriate conduct
Rarely enforce consequences
Dislike and avoid confrontation and conflict
More friend than parent or authority figure

Authoritative Parenting Style

The authoritative parenting style is characterized by high responsiveness to children's needs coupled with high expectations for appropriate behavior. Authoritative parents consistently enforce rules, provide adequate structure for their children, and set clear boundaries, all while understanding and accepting that children, by their very nature, will make mistakes. Authoritative parents understand that clear rules, structure, and boundaries help children feel more secure and self-confident. That is because children like to know what to expect. The world is big, intimidating, and difficult to process for a young, developing mind. By providing adequate structure and clear standards of behavior, authoritative parents are making the big open world a little smaller, simpler, and easier to digest for young children. As a result, children know better how to conduct themselves, they know what will happen if they step outside of the rules, and they know that mom and dad's affection or disapproval will not change on a whim. This helps children know how and when they are behaving well, and how and when they want to experiment by pushing the boundaries. If children know the consequences that will surely and consistently be enforced by their parents, they can make a value judgment as to whether pushing a boundary is worth the trouble or not. This type of analysis--of weighing pros and cons--fosters maturity, encourages independent thought, and is one of the first steps towards adulthood.

When children misbehave, authoritative parents discipline by teaching why certain conduct is unacceptable. The discipline effectuated by authoritative parents is logically related to the child's misbehavior, and authoritative parents explain the bases or reasons for their discipline so that their children can utilize this information to avoid making the same mistakes in the future. Authoritative parents view their parental responsibility as raising children to become respectful and productive members of society. Naturally, society expects its members to act and behave in accordance with certain standards. By educating children in the home often and early that their actions have real consequences, authoritative parents are helping their children become better prepared to function in much the same way once they are on their own in larger society. The children of authoritative parents are put on notice of and understand the family rules, but are afforded the freedom to grow and mature by sometimes pushing the boundaries of those rules. The children of authoritative parents feel loved, nurtured, heard, and at the same time, they feel like their individuality is respected and encouraged.

Authoritative Parent Main Characteristics

Set clear boundaries and expectations of appropriate behavior
Educate children on the consequences of unacceptable conduct
Consistent enforcement of rules
More an authority figure and trusted guide than a friend
Is comfortable with their children expressing disappointment and displeasure
Accepts that children will make mistakes, and that mistakes are a necessary to growth
Discipline by teaching over punishment alone
Open to negotiation and willingness to compromise
Loving, nurturing, encouraging

The Cool Head Parent Takeaway

There is no right or wrong way to rear a child. Odds are we have used all of these parenting styles at one time or another. However, a main tenet of the Cool Head Parent way is balance, and the authoritative style of parenting seems to strike the best balance of the three. It is important to remember, however, that there are authoritative parenting pros and cons to consider. Being an authoritative parent is the most challenging to practice and implement. It takes practice, patience, and most importantly, trust in our children and ourselves that we can stand firm when necessary and let go when necessary. It is a complex thing, but so is parenting. Rest assured--it is well worth the effort.

Helpful Tips on Becoming an Authoritative Parent

If you need help becoming more of an authoritative parent, try some of these tips:

Decide what values are important to you that you wish to impart to your children
Prepare mentally and emotionally for your child to be upset, angry, dissatisfied
Avoid regarding yourself as your child's friend
View yourself as your child's authority figure, guide, and role model
Always provide a reason or explanation for your discipline
Let go of the belief that your child is yours to mold
Accept that your child is his own person, regardless of what you want or try to do
Value learning and growth over perfection and obedience
Remind yourself that enforcing consequences now, though challenging and takes a lot of effort on your part, prepares children for real world consequences later
Be present in your child's development now instead of focusing too much on or fearing the future